First Blog: Mental Health
- Jessica Kaylee
- Feb 1, 2018
- 5 min read
With #BellLetsTalk recently passing for another year, I was inspired to share my story with mental health and the struggles I have had. Mental illness affects everyone in some sort of way and it is something that can have a large impact whether its directly or indirectly with the people we love. We are worth it, and if we need help from someone, we should get it. My story isn’t something that I want people to feel bad for me or anything like that, but to show that our perception of people isn’t always what it seems to be and people who seem the happiest have their own struggle as well.
I honestly can’t remember when it all started, but I can remember the feeling of how my anxiety and depression developed over time. My self-worth was low and my internal struggle for validation was high. In high school I had a few relationships, I didn’t know who I was and tried to find some type of value if someone told me I was pretty or if they gave me attention than I would feel happy, but only for a short amount of time. My anxiety developed basically because I thought I was never good enough for someone else and I would try to find my happiness in someone else and when I didn't my anxiety would get worse. Through each person I tried to find happiness in, I just got more anxiety and more depressed. I was young trying to figure myself out but focused on things that weren’t important, like drinking and partying and forgot to focus on the important things, like school, sports, friends, and family. I thought that being cool and going to parties was more important than becoming my own person and understanding who I was, so even though high school looked like I always had fun, realistically I wish I did it completely different now. Going to college I continued to party alot, not understanding what I wanted to do with my life and still felt kind of lost. I quit three programs in a short amount of time and then decided on one program that I stuck out and still realized this isn’t even what I want to do. I would never consider it a waste of time because it leads to my journey now.
In this college phase, I met my boyfriend, who I am still with and is one of the most patient, caring and supportive people in my life, he is truly my best friend. During our first few years of dating, I found myself again trying to find validation from him, trying to find my happiness through him and not understanding who I was. I picked fights with him because I thought I was never good enough and eventually pushed him away twice because of my anxiety, which I didn’t even realize I had at the time. This would cause scenarios in my mind putting me into a depression and causing me a ton of anxiety, which I also didn’t understand at the time. I pushed people away because I thought no one understood and no one was giving me that validation that I needed to make me feel good for a small amount of time. After time, we decided that we cared about each other too much to let this get in the way of our relationship, both growing from the situation and moving forward.
After graduating college and finally getting accepted into my degree, which I am finishing now at the University of Guelph, I lived in a new city where I knew nobody except for my boyfriend. I was going into a depressive state being isolated and I just remember being in my bed for almost two weeks, not wanting to go to class because I physically ached. I started to push people in my life away again. The left side by my ribs were physically aching which if I moved, I wanted to cry, which is why I didn't move for weeks. I decided to go to the hospital because I had no idea what was happening to me. I waited for three hours in emerge and finally I got a bunch of scans done and the doctors told me they found no problems but that they wanted me to talk to one of the nurses. The nurse walked in and said I was having voluntary muscle spasms, which is a neurological disorder causing your muscles to be tense and twitch, and asked if I have ever talked to someone about anxiety or depression. Instantly, I started to cry in front of the nurse, not because I felt bad for myself but no one ever said it to my face and I knew it, I just never wanted to admit it. Basically, my body felt so much anxiety that it caused me to feel physical pain on top of the mental pain, which is something I never even knew could happen. Once someone told me that, I basically tried to figure out ways that I could better myself and take care of myself, to find my self worth, because I knew I wanted to feel and be better.
I made it a priority to make time for myself and figure out who I was and made the effort to better myself, for my own health. I started going to the gym, I started to eat healthier, I started to read motivational books, doing the things that made me happy and started to evaluate who I truly was and who I wanted to be. I started doing the things that I enjoyed to ensure I was helping myself before anybody else. I stopped looking for reassurance from anyone else and started accepting that the only person who is truly going to make me happy, is me, and the happiness that others contribute is just the cherry on top of it all.
Being more aware of what I was going through, helped me grow and realize I am worth it, which helped my anxiety and depression. Just because medication wasn't for me doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people as well, that is just the path I chose to take. I know it’s not as easy for some people to help themselves, some people need medication, some people need therapy, but the first step to getting better is you. There are times when I still feel anxious, some days more than others, but now that I am more aware of it, I take the days that I need for myself, I do the things that I enjoy and I try my best to be my best self each day I ever feel anxious or depressed. You have the power to go out and get the help you need, whatever that may be, and as a society, it is our job to drop the stigma and reach out to those who need someone. There is always someone to talk to and I can’t thank enough my boyfriend, who was by my side through thick and thin, even when nobody else knew what I was internally going through, even when I was being difficult.
My story is minor compared to others, but even the smallest struggles are just as important as others. I want to make a disclaimer again that this isn’t for my own sake, this is to show that even the people who seem the happiest struggle, and not everything is always what it seems to be. Never judge someone, be kind because everyone deserves to be happy, to feel self-worth, to feel free of any mental illnesses. You are worth it.
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